We Are The Eggmen is the eleventh episode of Due South's second season.
Storyline: Fraser prevents a down-on-his-luck egg farmer from coming to harm in a road accident, but to his surprise, the farmer sues him - and the RCMP - for millions in damages.
Original Air Date: March 1, 1996
Written by James Kramer, Peter Mohan and Michael Teversham
Directed by George Bloomfield
While on a late-night tracking exercise with Diefenbaker, Fraser takes a tumble into an open trench in the middle of a rural road. Seeing a van approaching the trench, he attempts to warn the driver, who careens off the road to the destruction of his cargo of eggs. At the consulate several days later, Inspector Thatcher introduces Fraser to an attorney hired by the driver, Lyndon Buxley, who has brought suit against Fraser and the RCMP for $10,000,000 in damages. In the hopes of resolving the matter, Fraser enlists Ray's aid to investigate the trench - now covered by steel construction plating. An attempt to reason with Buxley produces no results, although Fraser does observe a very high quality in the eggs produced by Buxley's pet chickens. In the meantime, Ray wins $25,000 from a lottery ticket, but declines to tell Francesca, who would otherwise lay claim to half the winnings.
Other players appear, including Henri Cloutier, a former supervisor of Thatcher's who now works for the RCMP's legal affairs section (and desires her as more than a protégée), making the situation even more uncomfortable for her. A dairy tycoon named Marshak and his henchman, Sneed - to whom Buxley owes an enormous gambling debt - take over Buxley's farm by threatening his chickens, forcing him to abandon his farm and flee to the city. Back at the trench, Fraser finds a feather from one of Buxley's prize chickens, prompting him and Ray to visit the farm and execute a search-and-seizure warrant. With both of Buxley's prize chickens in custody, Ray is about to cash in his lottery ticket when Buxley steals the chickens from Ray's car and absconds with them to his hotel.
Noting a poorly laid-out betting sheet being used as liner for the chickens' carrier, Fraser and Ray visit an old friend of the Vecchio family who knows all about Buxley's misfortunes. Having learnt about the sale of Buxley's farm, Fraser crashes Inspector Thatcher's dinner engagement with Cloutier and advises her that he has found the solution to their legal problems. At the farm, they catch Buxley appropriating chicken feed, and Fraser reveals Buxley's fraudulent scheme to procure the money he needs to pay off his gambling debts. However, when Buxley is taken hostage by Sneed, Fraser and Thatcher stow away in the back of his truck, summoning Ray to the Cicero Dairy Corporation - with Francesca tagging along in pursuit of her share of the lottery money.
Despite being locked in the egg incubator (in a situation very similar to Fraser and Ray's predicament in They Eat Horses, Don't They?), Fraser and Thatcher use some creative engineering to escape and come to Buxley's rescue. They distract Sneed by pelting him with egg after egg until Ray arrives and holds Sneed at gunpoint; however, it proves to be a Pyrrhic victory for Ray as he and Francesca lose their lottery ticket to a flock of hungry chickens.
- Louis Del Grande as Lyndon Buxley
- Alan Peterson as Sneed
- Vlasta Vrana as Henri Cloutier
- Mike Hodge as Linus Prince
- Aron Tager as Bert Block
- Géza Kovacs as Marshak
- "All Praise Be to Thee" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (performed by the Baha'i Chorale) [Buxley's laboratory music]
Memorable Quotes Edit
Benton Fraser: (tracking with Diefenbaker) All right, that’s it. Just crouch. Just watch him. All right now. All right, great. Close the gap. Pick up your pace...CHARGE!
(Diefenbaker runs off ahead and stops to nose into an empty candy wrapper)
Benton Fraser: (sighing in frustration) Diefenbaker...do I need to remind you that you are a CARNIVORE, that you are genetically predisposed to HUNT? Or have you forgotten that?
Ray Vecchio: Welcome to America, Benny, the land of litigation. You know you can sue your barber for giving you a bad haircut?
Ray Vecchio: You got prosciutto?
Francesca Vecchio: Yeah, six bucks.
Ray Vecchio: Six bucks?
Francesca Vecchio: What? You're my brother. Besides, even if you weren't, you're not my type.
Ray Vecchio: All right, well then, you're out of luck, 'cause I've only got five. And besides...I ran out of toothpaste this morning.
Francesca Vecchio: You and your system. (to Fraser) He thinks if he runs out of a personal care product, it means he'll win the lottery.
Ray Vecchio: All right, make fun of me now.
Ray Vecchio: All right, I'll be right back. I'm just gonna go cash my lottery ticket. Why are you following me?
Benton Fraser: Well, I'm not following you, Ray. I'm walking alongside you.
Ray Vecchio: You're not gonna leave me alone on this, are you?
Benton Fraser: On what?
Ray Vecchio: Look, Fraser, this isn't just about she said this and I said that, okay? This is bigger than just who anted up.
Benton Fraser: You mean on the issue of who's entitled to the money?
Ray Vecchio: This is payback time, Fraser. This is for the time she ratted me out for smoking a cigar in the basement with Dave LaConti, for the time she told Paula Scriptiniano that I was a junior, and for the time she didn't show up at the Academy for my graduation because she just had to go see Donny Osmond at the Beacon. Okay? This isn't my victory, Fraser, this is cosmic justice.
Benton Fraser: Ah. I see.
Ray Vecchio: No, you don't. I don't even know why I try.
Benton Fraser: Ah, Inspector! I thought it important to inform you that there's been an emergency.
Inspector Thatcher: Emergency?
Benton Fraser: Yes, with your car.
Inspector Thatcher: What about it?
Benton Fraser: It's on fire.
Henri Cloutier: Oh, please!
Benton Fraser: No, it is. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened.
Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, I've been thinking. I can't take the guilt any longer. I'm gonna give half that money to Francesca.
Francesca Vecchio: (off screen) NOOOOOO!!!!
Ray Vecchio: Watch him! (runs off)
Benton Fraser: Which came first, Mr. Sneed? The chicken, or the egg?
Ray Vecchio: (off screen) NOOOOOO!!!!
Inspector Thatcher: I'll watch him. You go.
Benton Fraser: Thank you, ma'am. I'll tell you later. (runs for the other room) Ray!
(enters to find Ray and Francesca watching in despair as their lottery ticket is pecked to pieces by a flock of chickens)